#funny

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #treason #change

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #change

I know I shouldn't say this—I know it as surely as I know the earth is round and beats are evil—and yet here it comes: “It's not too late to change your mind. ↗

— Sara Zarr

#change

If you turn into a hideous monster and I am sent to slay you, I will remember this and make it as painless as I can, out of respect for you. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#funny #humor #lol #sanya #the-dresden-files

Dear Mind, why do you keep talking to yourself? Mind: Don't blame me for your stupid Faceboook status messages & tweets. ↗

— Saurabh Sharma

#funny #humor-inspirational #twitter-addiction #inspirational

I always use the same pick-up line: I dial the phone number and when she picks up I say, “So aside from me, are there any other guys you’re talking to right now?” I get some good use out of it before she changes to an unlisted number. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #love #pickup-lines #stalking #change

I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because you’d been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling you that I’d just heard from the cops, and your mother had been murdered. Before I got to the punch line you started sobbing in a different manner, so I realized you’d been laughing earlier. By that time the mood had changed, and I decided it best not to deliver the punch line after all. So I sat down next to you and put my arm around you and tried to console you for your perceived loss. 
 ↗

— Dora J. Arod

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. ↗

— Tallulah Bankhead

#again #had #i #life #live

Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl. ↗

— Gillian Flynn

#burping #cheap-beer #cool-girls #dirty-jokes #gang-bang

Što je našao u tebi, pitala me moja majka? Što si našao u meni? Ne seri. ↗

— Vedrana Rudan

#humor #love #relationships #love