#funny

Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics. I’m going to vote for Philo T. Farnsworth for president, and so should you. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #politics #funny

Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, 'cause I could hear it this morning. Jake dropped his fork. Tor, for the first time Jake had ever seen, turned scarlet. Maureen looked at them both and sighed. Christmas is always so interesting with you, Mark. ↗

— Chris Owen

#funny #kids-humor #m-m #funny

We may have been like needles in a hay stack, but they were like needles . . . in a stack of needles ↗

— D.J. MacHale

#funny

I want to write a song called, “She Bangs.” It won’t be about a sexually loose woman, but rather it will be a knock-knock joke.
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— Jarod Kintz

#joke #song #funny

If you would have asked me a year ago if I believed in aliens, I’d have laughed and said no. But that was before the abduction. I don’t laugh as much anymore, mainly due to severe rectal bleeding.

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— Jarod Kintz

#alien #funny #funny

You know, if a waitress asks me if I want ketchup with my fries, I’ll reply, “No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophical belief system. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#non-sequitur #philosophy #funny

A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument...and the occasional bar fight. ↗

— J. Michael Strazynski

#humor #j-michael-strazynski #story #writing #funny

Freud was a fraud, but he’d probably think I have a complex of some kind. Anal, oral, Orafoural, etc. While most kids wanted to grow up to be an astronaut, one of Barbara Streisand’s bras, a priest in sheep’s clothing, or an IRS employee, I always wanted to be my own clone. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #irs #funny

Agatha was a woman. All women are mortal. Therefore, Agatha must be dead.” -Orafoura ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#mortal #random #syllogism #funny

We’re adults. I might be a little more of an adult if you’re counting years but I bet I have a lower IQ, so that puts us pretty much even. ↗

— Robyn Carr

#cute #funny #humour #romance #romantic