#funny

The first time I saw Agatha she gave me a double wink. Most men might have interpreted it as a blink, but I saw it as a sexually developed ambidextrous double wink. Such talent! Such desire! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #wink #funny

I’m nearsighted in one eye and farsighted in another. Instead of railroad tracks converging in the distance, the workers got lazy halfway there and switched from building one side of the track to the other. So when my brother was standing in front of an oncoming train, I told him not to be worried – the tracks are still under construction. I just never expected the train to have hovering technology. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #trains #vision #funny

There is no logic in logics except an illogical logic. ↗

— Santosh Kalwar

#logic #logics #funny

• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

What's a slut?" I ask him. "A girl who puts out too easily." "Puts out what?" I imagine Greer putting out dinner and don't understand what Iwan wouldn't like about that. "Puts out, you know..." His face, already beet red from our run, turns a darker scarlet. "Sex." I wonder where Greer puts the sex out. ↗

— Rachel Cohn

#funny #ya #funny

Grinning is something you do when you're entertained in some way, such as watching one you don't care for spill soda all over themselves. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#funny #grinning #humorous #funny

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #naughty #funny

Now me,” said Mr. Vandemar. “What number am I thinking of?” “I beg your pardon?” “What number am I thinking of?” repeated Mr. Vandemar. “It’s between one and a lot,” he added, helpfully. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#wordplay #funny

Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#drought #funny #humor #funny

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fashion #funny #humor #funny