#funny

Growing up, I used to practice Invisibility Technique Number Twelve, which I took from the Book of Orafoura. IT#12 simply states: Act like a tree and hope your opponent can’t see the trees for the forest. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#invisibility #funny

In another language, I’ll bet the word “Agatha” means “To shine one’s shoes with the water from a toilet made of tin foil.” Thinking about all the microwave safe words in the universe makes my feet sweat. I need some new Band Aids. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#random #funny

I am a bowling alley celebrity. Women throw themselves at me. Sometimes other women (larger women) throw other women (smaller women) at me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #funny

Okay, well I think the programme is like being screamed at for an hour by a drunk with a strobe-light, but like I said-- ↗

— David Nicholls

#hilarious #saracasm #funny

I named my second son Memphis, after Nashville. I don’t believe in naming a child after a state, like Alaska Jones, because that’s too broad, even for a fat broad. Barrow Jones would be better, but you might as well wheel him out to the manual labor field that he’s destined for. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny

We were in the middle of a scene, and this crazy woman comes roaring out of the crowd, screaming, grabs my whip, and damned if she didn’t punch me.” Rubbing his reddened chin, the man’s lips curved a little. “It’s almost funny, but still, she ruined our scene. ↗

— Cherise Sinclair

#erotic-romance #funny #romance #funny

Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny clowns. ↗

— David Wong

#random #funny

I may not carry a detective’s badge, but I’m certainly the highest ranking member of Albatross Harbor’s neighborhood watch program. And like tilapia, I know something smells fishy when I taste it. In my neighborhood, nobody can take a shit in their own backyard without me knowing about it. I’m like Spencer Tracy mixed with Miss Marple, with a little maple syrup on top. I am the pancake that’s served and protects, without the financial or emotional support of the community at large. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #funny

I want to do it too!” said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless. “Nope,” said Nudge, shaking her head. “You stand out like a fart in church. ↗

— James Patterson

#fart #funny #lol #powers #funny

She was my friend because she was kind and funny but she had a face like two oysters fused together in a Star Trek matter transporter accident. ↗

— Andrew S. Hinkinson

#insult #looks #funny