#funny

My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cheap #christmas #funny #knowledge #funny

Santa Claus has nothing to do with it," the latke said. "Christmas and Hanukah are completely different things." "But different things can often blend together," said the pine tree. "Let me tell you a funny story about pagan rituals. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#customs #hanukkah #time #funny

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. ↗

— Steve Martin

#empathy #funny #humor #funny

Remember when we made love in the rain? You asked me to bring protection, and I brought a windshield wiper. That was my first time. I had never driven in the rain before that. I didn’t even own a car. I was saving up money and buying car parts one at a time until I had the whole thing. I didn’t even have a windshield yet, just the wiper. That was the first thing I bought. I was so proud of myself. Rain or shine, I carried that wiper with me everywhere I went. Though it works in a car, it doesn’t really work as well as an umbrella when you’re swinging it above your head in a sudden downpour. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#make-love #rain #funny

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #flag #flagpole #funny #honor

The shortest horror story: The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door. ↗

— Frederic Brown

#horror #funny

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain ↗

— Jon Stewart

#funny

Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you. ↗

— Nick Shamhart

#humor #humorous #funny

Lovers are like lawyers: each manipulates the evidence as much as possible to outwit their opponent in the eyes of all. When the woman or defense attorney gets the upper hand, the result is dismissal. ↗

— Bauvard

#lawyers #love #funny

Realizing that love is a fundamental principle of life doesn’t guarantee a happy relationship, but at least you can make captain of the debate team. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #love #funny