#funny

The Search for Truth is a homeless vagrant who begs for food and gathers enough spare change for malt liquor. ↗

— Bauvard

#homelessness #humor #truth #change

I invented a paperweight for tabloids so that the winds of change can’t blow them away. I’m calling it a newsweight. It’s the size of Hollywood. I’m dropping it there with a helicopter tonight. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #change

Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #patience #age

Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #romance #romantic #age

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#communicator #funny #humor #improvement #language

I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#courage #cowardly #flashlights #funny #humor

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.
 ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#funny #game #humor #life #love

In this world only the paranoid survive. ↗

— Dean Koontz

#funny #paranoid #wise #world #funny

The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid. ↗

— Larissa Ione

#humor #funny

Something about this made Reynie uneasy. Had he done so badly? Was this meant to test his courage? He did as he was told, closing his eyes and bracing himself as best he could. "Why are you flinching?" the pencil woman asked. "I don't know. I thought maybe you were going to slap me." "Don't be ridiculous. I could slap you perfectly well with your eyes open. I'm only going to blindfold you. ↗

— Trenton Lee Stewart

#funny #courage