#funny

Nothing will go wrong,Micheal said soothingly. Me and you? We've been through to much together. And your too unpleasant to die.Too bossy.God will keep you down here for a while until you learn your lesson and start learning to work and play well with others. Now your talking.Will you go with me a week from Friday when I get my biopsy? Wild horses and an evil head nurse with rubber gloves couldn't keep me away. Now your just being gross. ↗

— Erica Orloff

#funny

First rule of thievery,' Eli said, grinning, 'only run if you're not coming back.' (...) 'First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.' Miranda rolled her eyes. 'How many 'first rules' of thievery do you have?' 'When one mistake can mean your head on a pike, every rule's a first rule,' Eli said cheerfully. ↗

— Rachel Aaron

#humor #rules-to-live-by #witty #funny

If I could fly, I would soar all the way up to the window of a plane carrying a suitcase in my hand, then I’d motion toward the plane’s door and make an annoyed face at the terrified passengers. I have a feeling I would do this a lot. ↗

— Colin Nissan

#flying #funny #humor #funny

Lily, the girl who’d talked back to the jock, said, “I want to get as far away from my parents as possible. We’re like potassium and water.” The other kids laughed and I said, “Huh?” “If potassium comes into contact with water, it instantly combusts,” Lily said slowly so if she was talking to a child. ↗

— Marta Acosta

#nerd-joke #science #funny

I understand that you don’t want to marry me,” I said. “I mean, I don’t know why, since I’m simply delightful to be around. But to each his own taste. ↗

— Merrie Haskell

#sarcasm #snark #funny

We were just speaking to your friend here about the craft of brewing potions to enhance the libido. It seems he has a wealth of knowledge regarding plants and herbs.”I lowered my eyes to him, my head swimming at the only part of her greeting that I actually heard “You mean you can brew potions to increase sex drive?”She looked confused. “Well of course! We are trying to save our people from extinction, which means we must mate as often as possible. We find the task can become arduous after eight or nine couplings. The potions are what keep us going. Why, it’s in the bath we’re soaking in now.”I thought I was having a small aneurism. “I knew it!” I shouted stupidly. “I thought I was losing my mind! ↗

— Alisha Basso

#libido-issues #funny

if my name was on a serious work like this it would never get fair treatment. They would all say I had tried to be funny and failed. ↗

— Jerome K. Jerome

#weeds #funny

A very ladylike bosom,” she said, approvingly. “There’s nothing there,” I complained. The clerk grinned. “I have been fitting bras for twenty-five years and no one ever thinks her breasts are good enough,” she said. “You’ll save yourself a lot of unhappiness if you accept and enjoy what you have. Neat little breasts are very chic. ↗

— Marta Acosta

#funny #funny

I’m 30% in love, and if I ever rise to 70%, then I’ll be 100% in love. But I’ll still be mathematically challenged.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #math #funny

Sitting alone in the cafeteria would just scream “I’m the new girl. Everyone stare at me while I eat. ↗

— Kristi Cook

#funny-humor #so-true #funny