#funny

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#like #pancake #syrup #trap #waffle

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#cause #down #i #know #necklace

It's funny how you call me a celebrity. Oh man. ↗

— Steven Hill

#celebrity #funny #how #man #me

I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat. ↗

— Paris Hilton

#big heart #blonde #eat #funny #heart

Married?" she practically screeched, not sounding all that pleased, which left him feeling a little offended. "We're not getting married." He snorted at that. "I may have let you have your naughty little way with me for the past couple of months, but that doesn't mean I'm going to allow you to keep treating me like some dirty little boy toy. If you want to live with me then I expect you to put a ring on my finger," he said, holding up his left hand and wiggling his ring finger to punctuate his words. ↗

— R.L. Mathewson

#proposal #funny

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? ↗

— Jerry Seinfeld

#funny #funny

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. ↗

— Alfred Hitchcock

#back #belongs #brought #home #into

My mother was a terrific force in my life. Wartime-generation woman, hadn't gone to university but should have done. Was very funny, very verbal, very clever, very witty. ↗

— Ian Hislop

#done #force #funny #gone #hadn

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. ↗

— Albert Einstein

#funny

you have to be the prude or the slut, and if you pick one, other people hate you for it, and you can’t trust anyone anymore, because they’re all after the same thing, and you see that you can never go back to how was before… ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#it-s-kind-of-a-funny-story #judgement #teenagers #truth #funny