#funny

I possess an object that reminds me of your stepdad’s bowel movements. It’s brown and squishy and smells like yesterday.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#crap #family #feces #funny #humor

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#evil #family #funny #humor #monster

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #food

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #food

Funny, 'ow you can 'old a jewel in your 'and, and toss it away, and not even know what you 'ad until it's gone. ↗

— Jennifer Donnelly

#funny

A blanket could be used to stop terrorism. Unless that terrorist has a small knife, or really sharp teeth, and is able to chew through the cloth separating him from our American freedom. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies. ↗

— George Carlin

#god #humor #funny

50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#earn #fair #fairness #funny #humor

Four lips, two mouths, one kiss, ½ of love (Agatha wasn’t into me, apparently). My mouth does nothing but long to kiss Agatha, and my penis would long if only it weren’t so short. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#kiss #love #funny

So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life? Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please. ↗

— Daniel Silva

#funny #funny