#funny

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.
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— Jarod Kintz

#alexander-the-great #bizarre #caesar #conquer #funny

Be ruthless about protecting writing days, i.e., do not cave in to endless requests to have "essential" and "long overdue" meetings on those days. The funny thing is that, although writing has been my actual job for several years now, I still seem to have to fight for time in which to do it. Some people do not seem to grasp that I still have to sit down in peace and write the books, apparently believing that they pop up like mushrooms without my connivance. I must therefore guard the time allotted to writing as a Hungarian Horntail guards its firstborn egg. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#j-k-rowling #writers #writing #writing-inspiration #funny

I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley).
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— Jarod Kintz

#cats #choreography #dance #dancing #day

Zoey~ 'Listen to me, whinning about money and a scarf. Ah, hell! I'm starting to sound like Aphrodite.' Stark~ 'If you turn into Aprodite I'm going to stab myself.' Zoey~ 'If I turn into Aprodite, stab me first.' Stark~ 'Deal.' Zoey~ 'Deal. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#stark #zoey #funny

...you don't care because you're all that and I'm just an artery in a dress. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat #funny #funny

I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#book #funny #life #lifetime #read

I showed him the Post-it. “You see They’re from Lily.” “Who’s Lily?” “Some girl.” “Ooh … a girl!” “Boomer, we’re not in third grade anymore. You don’t say, ‘Ooh … a girl!’” “What? You fucking her?” “Okay, Boomer, you’re right. I liked ‘Ooh … a girl!’ much more than that. Let’s stick with ‘Ooh … a girl! ↗

— David Levithan

#teen #ya #funny

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?
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— Jarod Kintz

#coffee #funny #hold #humor #jockstrap

The funny thing about mundies," Jace said, to nobody in particular, "is how obsessed with magic they are for a bunch of people who don't even know what the word means." I know what it means," Clary snapped. No, you don't, you just think you do. Magic is a dark elemental force, not just a lot of sparkly wands and crystal balls and talking goldfish." I never said it was a lot of talking goldfish, you-" Jace waved a hand, cutting her off. "Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn't make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#funny

I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #lust #mirrors #naked