#funny

I went to the mountains, but they were closed. Apparently I wasn’t on Mountain Time. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#mountain-time #funny

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels.... ↗

— Josh Stern

#funny #humor #naked #paints #picture

While he sat there he decided he would buy a waterbed. He had always imagined owning a waterbed when he was successful, but now it struck him that getting the bed might invoke the man he wanted to become. You bought a waterbed and so became the sort of man who owned a waterbed. ↗

— Lisa Moore

#humor #funny

The Greek myths are a bit outdated, but not as much as the distant galaxies they remind me of whenever I look up at night. The historical and the scientific – two different aspects of the overactive imagination that fit together nicely in space. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #history #humor #imagination #myths

I'll be supposed upon a book, his face is the worst thing about him. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#insult #pompey #funny

I had no idea what time it was, but I felt boneless and it would take an act of God to get me out of this bed. Or chocolate. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#funny #j-lynn #jennifer-l-armentrout #wait-for-you #funny

Yes!” He wrapped both arms around me, but when I tried to do the same he jumped away. “Watch the suit,” he said, glaring. Oh, boy. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#little-brothers #funny

You were a well-respected agent, Michael, a rags-to-riches fairytale ending. Until you became disgraced. Now it appears your own organization wishes to be rid of you. Why is this?” “My gun turned back into a pumpkin. ↗

— Nenia Campbell

#humor #sarcasm #funny

I was just turned last week. I'm a librarian." He stilled, as if I'd just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. "I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was a librarian by day, a call girl by--" I stopped him with a quick lift of an eyebrow. "If you finish that sentence, we cannot be friends. ↗

— Molly Harper

#funny #jane-jameson #librarians #molly-harper #nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

Doing the limbo under a razor pendulum is a lot cheaper than having a caesarian in a hospital. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #pendulum #pregnancy #funny