#funny

I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#honor #humor #parade #funny

Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #growing-up #humor #relationship #funny

I don’t like crude oil, because it’s so vulgar. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #oil #vulgar #funny

The perfect vehicle to take to the moon would be a two-door Saturn with a sunroof. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #moon #saturn #sunroof #vehicle

I always leave the toilet seat up. It’s just easier to wash my hair that way. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

Most animals show themselves sparingly. The grizzly bear is six to eight hundred pounds of smugness. It has no need to hide. If it were a person, it would laugh loudly in quiet restaurants, boastfully wear the wrong clothes for special occasions, and probably play hockey. ↗

— Craig Childs

#bear #funny #grizzly-bear #funny

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg! ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #jokes #funny

The room fell silent. I frankly didn't know what I was going to do to help Eduardo, but I had the sense that he was right- no one else could help him, and without help, all that he'd done would crumble. Plus, I like being called his only hope. I felt like Obi-Wan Kenobi. ↗

— Tod Goldberg

#humor #jedi #leia #spy #star-wars

I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

North, south, east, west, I need to find a nude erection to point the way. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #funny