#funny

Even the young are not remaining young at heart anymore. Nowadays people stop committing juvenile offenses before they even get into their twenties. ↗

— Bauvard

#delinquency #funny #humor #youth #funny

He shoved the phone at her again. “What does this do?” Hand shaking, she took it from him. “Um. It’s called a Smartphone. You can talk to people or send messages. It’s got Internet too.” She pointed to a collection of funny looking symbols on the glossy surface. Inter-net. Is that used for some sort of fishing? And why is the phone called smart? Were prior ones stupid? ↗

— Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

#niccolo #funny

All right I think we've been down here in the dark long enough. There's a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand Constant Reader and I'll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine. I'm happy to go there because I believe most people are essentially good. I know that I am. It's you I'm not entirely sure of. ↗

— Stephen King

#funny #good-and-evil #light #funny

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#humor #humorous #funny

Laughter, Susannah would later reflect, is like a hurricane: once it reaches a certain point, it becomes self-feeding, self-supporting. You laugh not because the jokes are funny but because your own condition is funny. ↗

— Stephen King

#funny

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #humorous #funny

Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that "women aren't funny." Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups. ↗

— Tina Fey

#feminism #humor #funny

People who agree to toil for minimum wage are natural slaves. But I’m not among that group. I volunteer to work for those slaves for free. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #slavery #work #funny

I want to volunteer for global flood relief without abandoning my mountaintop, so I’m making a really long straw. Preparation is everything. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #preparation #funny

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #love #funny