#funny

Having friends is how your life gets fucked up. ↗

— Jesse Andrews

#funny

Mothers, we love you. Thanks for making us. ↗

— Adam Levine

#funny #funny

So just bust a move! ↗

— Ava J. Abramowitz

#funny #funny

Isn't Glen an accountant? We're all frugal." These days, by necessity. "You might be frugal, but Glen is cheap. For Valentine's Day, he actually suggested that we go to a card shop, exchange cards in the aisle, then put them back because he didn't see the use in spending the money!" "Okay, that's cheap." Libby huffed. "I swear, if he cuts up my Bloomingdale's card, I'll cut off his pecker. ↗

— Stephanie Bond

#frugal #funny #funny

Startled, she said, “Oh, I thought you were somebody else.” “No,” I said, “I’m not somebody else—but my clone is.”
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fright #funny #humor #people #relationships

Sylvia grabs my sleeve. “He’s a looker.” “I know. The problem is, he knows it, too. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humour #romance #young-adult-fiction #young-adult-romance #funny

He can't get broke so long as he is stuffed with money. ↗

— L. Frank Baum

#the-marvelous-land-of-oz #funny

Moreover, grandmothers of students who aren't doing so well in class are at even higher risk - students who are failing are fifty times more likely to lose a grandmother compared with non-failing students. In a paper exploring this sad connection, Adam speculates that the phenomenon is due to intrafamilial dynamics, which is to say, students' grandmothers care so much about their grandchildren that they worry themselves to death over the outcome of exams. ↗

— Dan Ariely

#dishonesty #funny #lying #death

Agent Julianne was always looking for ways to spin things. She would have been better off owning a laundromat. ↗

— Jonas Eriksson

#hollywood #romance-funny #romantic-comedy #romantic

When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. "Put your clothes in for a wash," he said. "They were disgusting." Ginny always thought that the only way of getting clothes clean was by drowning them in scalding water and then whipping them around in a violent centrifugal motion that caused the entire washing machine to vibrate and the floor to shake. You beat them clean. You made them suffer. This machine used about half a cup of water and was about as violent as a toaster, plus it stopped every few minutes, as if it were exhausted from the effort of turning itself. Sluff, sluff, sluff sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest. Click. Sluff, sluff, sluff, sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest. "Who thought to put a window on a washing machine?" Keith asked. "Does anyone just sit and watch their wash?" You mean, besides us?" "Well," he said, "yeah. Is there any coffee? ↗

— Maureen Johnson

#ginny #humor #humour #keith #funny