#funny

You need a job and I need a PA, why don’t you come and work for me?” “No thanks, God knows what being your PA would involve.” He laughs. “Well it would involve the usual, faxing, filing, answering the phones, taking bookings, relieving my sexual needs, etcetera.” “Yeah I thought as much.” I tell him, my tone doing all the rejecting for me. “Seriously though, the offer stands. Think it over.” He tells me in a soft voice. “I don’t have PA experience.” “I’ll teach you,” he says, in a tone that insinuates other things. “Sure.” He lowers his voice. “I think I’d enjoy teaching you things.” “Can’t say I w-would enjoy it.” Yeah, right. “You stuttered,” he says ↗

— L.H. Cosway

#pervy #experience

Right now, I couldn't have cared less if someone had waltzed across the room in a large flower costume with a sign saying GET YOUR BLACK TULIPS HERE. Every nerve in my body was on man-alert, screaming, "incoming! ↗

— Lauren Willig

#funny-and-random #lauren-willig #spies #spy #funny

The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do is sign the canvas and try to sell it. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#canvas #conceptual-art #empty #funny #humor

I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#ear #funny #humor #life #music

I don't care." - Bakura "I'm not going to kill you, just destroy you a little. Geez, talk about overreacting!" - Marik "So then he goes to me with the tea pot and he goes, 'Why so British?'." - Bakura "Now I can't that friggin song out of my head! Thanks Odion, thanks a bunch!" - Marik "Not a kitty!" - Bakura "Maybe we should hug him, Bakura. I mean he seems like an okay guy." - Marik ↗

— Little Kuriboh Marik and Bakura

#humor #ishtar #little-kuriboh #malik #marik

A brick could be used to keep your sandwich pressed down, so your meat doesn't spill out.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#doctor #funny #funny-quotes #humor #humor-quotes

If I spent ten years in prison, I’d probably come to value the small things in life. Things like good food, a comfy bed, and a toothbrush sharpened into a shank. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#prison #food

I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony. ↗

— Anne Lamott

#annoying #audience #din #fraud #fright

Love walked in the door like a dusty cowboy, and I looked that cowboy dead in his eyes and said, “I thought I shot you.” And his eyes never blinked, wavered, or watered as he said, “You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still alive. So that was his plan all along, to serve me up a super slow death. Sort of like torture, only imperceptible and more pleasant. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cowboy #funny #humor #love #age