#funny

You don't like Blue, do you?" "No," Mira said, caught off guard by the change of subject. "I was worried he was doing his knight-in-tarnished-armor thing and it was winning you over. ↗

— Sarah Cross

#funny-and-random #kill-me-softly #mira #sarah-cross #change

I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#drink #funny #hot #humor #maybe

Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#break #cash #change #currency #dollar

I feel my brains, like a pear, to see if it's ripe; it will be exquisite by September. ↗

— Virginia Woolf

#funny #funny

A blanket could represent change, and a brick represents consistency. Do you embrace the blanket, or the brick?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Do you want a ride home?" "I rode my bike, and I don't really want to keep it here at the school." "I have a truck, it won't be a problem to throw it into the bed." "Well then, I suppose I don't really have an excuse to say no, do I?" "I was going to hold your duffel hostage until you said yes anyway." "Now what has my duffel bag ever done to you? ↗

— August Westman

#funny

I wish the Fallen would just come to us for a change.” Ironically, Fallen Angels dropped from the sky and surrounded us. “I wish I had a chocolate cake!” I exclaimed, staring up. No cake appeared, though I did get a few wry glances. Andrew’s body shook with silent laughter while Lucia gave me raised eyebrows. “What? It worked for the Fallen Angels. ↗

— Laura Kreitzer

#joke #timeless-series #change

My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#albino #erection #funny #humor #noon

There’s not a person alive who is ugly. Now dead people, they disgust me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#beauty #dead #funny #humor #ugly

I can't believe this heat," Abbey said, taking her tunic and pulling it over her head. Underneath was a form-fitting top that showed a figure unaccustomed to idleness or excess. Kip stared at her the way he had at the shiney curves of the steel horse back in the garage. "Can you imagine what it must have been like hundreds of years ago, when weather changed just a few times a year?" she said, wiping sweat from her brow with the back of her hand. "Yeah, it must have looked great," Kip said. "What do you mean looked great?" Abbey said, turning her eye on Kip. "Must have been great, like you said," he corrected. ↗

— Shawn Keenan

#funny #heat #kip #pervert #change