#funny

I’m on the west coast. I am Lewis and Clark. I am Lewis Clark. Like the time I got a Denver Omelet in Dallas with a girl named Charlotte Washington. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#west-coast #funny

I’ve always wanted to kill someone by stealing their sound. If you’ve got no sound, you’ve got no voice. And it’s impossible to scream with no voice. So it’s like murdering a mime, only with less movement. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#murder #funny

Drug addicts are so funny that way. Just spinning around, lost in their own little world. Doing so much, accomplishing so little. How sad. ↗

— James St. James

#drugs #james-st-james #party-monster #funny

Remind me to show you the latest e-mail from Courtney," he said now, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. "You won't believe how many different incorrect ways she spelled hors d'oeuvres within the span of a single paragraph. ↗

— Aimee Agresti

#hors-d-oeuvres #spelling #funny

You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves. ↗

— Cuthbert Soup

#caves #computer #funny #old-fashioned #writer

Ish #303 "It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating. ↗

— Regina Griffin

#funny-as-hell #funny-quotes #humor #food

Ah college years, those were the days. Pure freedom ... leaving home for the first time…the parties…” "What about the tutorials, the lectures, the large building with all the books called the ‘library’?” “Is that what those were?” Gerry blithely replied. ↗

— E.A. Bucchianeri

#college #colleges #funny #humor #humour

Talk about getting off tangent. My mother's friend may have just killed his wife and my parents are sitting there talking about cows. ↗

— Wendy Lichtman

#funny

A blanket, coupled with an impressive erection, could serve as a suitable replacement for a lost tent at next year’s “Bring your son to work night” at NAMBLA’s manufacturing plant. What does NAMBLA make? NAMBLA makes me sick.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #strange

Cake is for the weak,” Mom always says. Funny, I thought it was for birthdays. ↗

— Danielle Joseph

#humor #funny