#funny

I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. ↗

— Tara Gilesbie

#my-immortal #unintentionally-funny #funny

I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people. ↗

— Scott Westerfeld

#funny #humor #parasites #vampires #zombies

Perfect,” he groaned. “You are perfect.” He sank his teeth into her ass, hard, drawing blood. “And now you wear my mark,” he finished proudly. “Your ass is mine. ↗

— Hanna Lui

#erotic-literature #erotic-romance #erotica #funny #humor

Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#criminology #funny #humor #funny

I snatched up the cardboard cup, plastered my lips to the plastic sippy-lid and sucked down a scalding hot mouthful. It burned, but I didn’t give a damn. I held the cup to my chest as if it were my most special friend while feeling the instant affect the coffee had on my mood and I smiled. “Hello lover. ↗

— Ethan Day

#funny #funny

As for your punishment, Midwife, you’ll receive the standard penalty for treason. We’re disbarring you from Our psyche. Put him on the next neurotransmitter bound for the temporal lobe. He can spend the rest of his days quivering in fear and wavering between short and long-term memory. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #midwifery #treason #funny

Bags! ↗

— Terry Goodkind

#book #curse #funny #humor #magic

The only activity a cynic will find contagious is yawning, that is, with other people, at other people. ↗

— Criss Jami

#bore #boredom #boring #contagious #cynic

A brick could be used as a symbol for the kind of life I’m trying to build. The question now is, what kind of life am I trying to build? Well, I guess I want stability, longevity, and I’d like it two stories, with the second story being fiction, or even pseudo nonfiction, if that makes sense in its nonsensicality. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

All my life, I thought I was this independent woman. I was on all the right committees, made speeches for all the right causes, traveled all over the world. I had my little part-time job, I made all my own decisions, but . . . there was always someone there to fall back on when things went bad. Funny, how after so many years of marriage you don’t think about how much you depend on the other person until . . . well, until they’re gone. And then of course there’s just the whole system in the city. Your doctor, your pharmacist, your plumber, your vet . . . there’s always someone there. You never have to find out . . . how much you can’t do. ↗

— Donna Ball

#womanhood #funny