#funny

I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #torture #funny

Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't. ↗

— Adam Rex

#funny #funny

Underwater, bubbles erupted before my eyes as a swift hand snatched my arm and pulled me to the surface. I gasped for air, coughing and gagging at the amount of water I sucked into my lungs by pure shock. What was up with me and breathing in water? I needed to grow some gills or something. ↗

— Laura Kreitzer

#fiction #funny #gills #humor #kreitzer

Olgun! Wake up!" Her mind was filled with a sense of self-righteous and vaguely drowsy protest. "Sure you weren't, she needled at him. You were just practicing snoring, so you'd be sure to get it right later on, yes?" Olgun's response very strongly resembled an indignant snort. ↗

— Ari Marmell

#funny

They were exactly the same morons that laugh like hyenas in the movies at stuff that isn't funny. I swear to God, if I were a piano player or an actor or something and all those dopes thought I was terrific, I'd hate it. I wouldn't even want them to clap for me. People always clap for the wrong things. ↗

— J.D. Salinger

#morons #people #popularity #funny

A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. (Hint: The truth is much heavier than a brick.)
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

It’s complicated,” I said in defense, hands going up to show surrender. “Talk slowly,” Jenna retorted derisively. “Okay, I deserved that,” I admitted. ↗

— Laura Kreitzer

#fantasy #fiction #funny #humor #jenna-moretti

Did I mention how cute you look in my clothes?" Blushing I just look at what I'm wearing and laugh. "Chicks Dig me? And Sponge Bob boxers?" "Chicks do dig me! And Sponge Bob is a great cartoon in your world. ↗

— Sara Daniell

#romance-funny #ya #funny

Sorry I'm late," Ms. Egami said to the class. She dropped her papers, which scattered in that special way papers do when one is running late. ↗

— Adam Rex

#late #papers #school #teacher #funny

I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed . . . Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks. ↗

— Tara Gilesbie

#funny #my-immortal #funny