#funny

Pops: How about you finish this sentence for me, Jason? When a girl says no she means... Justin, looking desperately at me: No? Nana: Are you sure? Justin, shifting uncomfortably: I'm sure. No means no. Nana: Well look at you. You got one right. Now here's another, even tougher sentence for you to finish. Premarital sex is... Me: Nana! I'm so sorry Justin. Nana: Unlike Pops, I'm not moving on. Justin? Pops: His name is Jason. Justin:Uh....uh.... Pops: While you think about that, why don't you tell me how you feel about drinking and driving? Justin: I'm totally against it, I swear! Nana: Methinks he protests too much. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#drinking #funny #justin #zombieland #dating

Hey, princess of Popsicles! Queen of curlicue cones. ↗

— Wendy Higgins

#funny #jay #sweet-evil #funny

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked. How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee? ↗

— John Green

#humor #paper #pee #towns #funny

Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I guess I must have frowned too much because this morning I woke up with a torn groin muscle. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#frown #funny #groin #smile #funny

You. Me. Exorcist. -Bones ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#funny #funny

Kate's Speciality: Killing things, with much bloodshed. Talking trash, infuriating authority. Driving Beast Lord crazy. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#ilona-andrews-website #kate-daniels #magic-bleeds #funny

Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#flowers #funny #grow #smell #funny

I want to merge a Phoenix with a Camel to create the world's first everlasting cigarette. It'll be a cigarette that rises from its own ashes, so you can keep smoking it indefinitely. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cigarette #everlasting #funny #humor #immortality

A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #truth #funny

He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, 'I ain't got any tattoo on my back.' 'What you got on it?' the girl said. 'My shirt,' Parker said. 'Haw.' 'Haw, haw,' the girl said politely. ↗

— Flannery O'Connor

#parkers-back #funny