#funny

Everybody's funny if you love them. ↗

— Anna Torv

#funny #love #them #you

We danced like an eagle and a dolphin in a blender, and then we made love like those plastic plates with the dividers molded in so the food stays separate and never touches.
 ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#dancing #division #dolphin #eagle #food

A brick could be used as a Love Detector. Yes, it's true! Find the love of your life today. Don't hesitate! To find out how, please mail a check or money order to:
 Jarod Kintz
 12321 Gullible Dr.
 Jacksonville, Fl 32202
 (Actual brick not included.) ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#brick-and-blanket-test #divergence-test #funny #humor #love

There you go. Perfect. And can you still throw up at will like you could in sixth grade? That would be good. ↗

— Adam Rex

#gross #age

With age comes arthritis, accompanied by a more abstract form of rigidity. Occasionally though, when your birthday presents are books by history’s greatest minds, age brings theoretical rigidity too. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #age

Academia: a contemporary version of medieval scholasticism that updates the scholarship while retaining the fanaticism of the dark ages. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #medievalism #age

The parents are making threatening noises, turning dinner into performance art, with dad doing his Arnold Schwarzenegger imitation and mom playing Glenn Close in one of her psycho roles. I am the Victim. Mom: [creepy smile] “Thought you could put one over us, did you, Melinda? Big high school students now, don’t need to show your homework to your parents, don’t need to show any failing test grades?” Dad: [bangs table, silverware jumps] “Cut the crap. She knows what’s up. The interim reports came today. Listen to me, young lady. I’m only going to say this to you once. You get those grades up or your name is mud. Hear me? Get them up!” [Attacks baked potato.] ↗

— Laurie Halse Anderson

#art

... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu? ↗

— Christopher Moore

#funny #martial-arts #art

The intersection of pork and man was circumscribed with vagueness. Until now sausage was a mysterious world: the fenced-in landscapes of strange, exotic muds, the cloak-and-dagger butchers that veiled their conversations in Old French, the silencing of whole towns upon a nocturnal report of a flying swarm of oinks, the secret herbs and spices involved in the intestinal displacement before my screen. My own sacred art suddenly stirred a sense of understanding in me as to why pig farmers were so reluctant to explain their missing bicuspids to outsiders: sausage could not have effects. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#mystery #sausage #secret-society #art

A poet or philosopher should have no fault to find with his age if it only permits him to do his work undisturbed in his own corner; nor with his fate if the corner granted him allows of his following his vocation without having to think about other people. ↗

— Arthur Schopenhauer

#funny #misanthropy #philosophy #poets #schopenhauer