#funny

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#funny #truth #funny

No they called it the Codex Merlini because it was written by a guy named Ralph. ↗

— Karen Chance

#funny

Parvati positively beamed. Harry could tell that she was feeling guilty for having laughed at Hermione in Transfiguration. He looked around and saw that Hermione was beaming back, if possible even more brightly. Girls were very strange sometimes. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#girls #harry-potter #hermione #humor #parvati

A girl got a nosebleed, so I gave her a tampon and warned her about the responsibilities of womanhood. “You’re going to get a lot of guys trying to stick things up there,” I said. Now she’s a mouth breather. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #menstrual-cycles #nosebleeds #womanhood #funny

Everyone is so cynical about the possibility of democracy today. But not me, I’m an idealist: democracy isn’t possible outside my own mind. According to my perceptions, this is a dictatorship. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#democracy #funny #humor #idealism #politics

I like food that speaks to me. Food like French toast, English muffins, and Deviled eggs. Oh, oval embryonic spawn of chicken, why hast thou deceived me? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #food

My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#applause #clap #clapping #discipline #funny

A brick could be used as a doorstop. But that’s obvious. What isn’t obvious is why somebody would want to stop a door, since doors represent openness. What is that person hiding behind that door that they want to stop people from opening it up? I don’t know, but it’s got to be diabolical, and if anything is to be stopped, it’s not the door—it’s the evil plan by the Door Master to take over the world.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Seriously, Jack, I think you might be the only guy in this city who hasn’t read his stuff. Collin McCann is like the Carrie Bradshaw of Chicago men.” “You mean Terry Bradshaw,” Jack corrected. “No, Carrie,” Wilkins repeated. “You know, Sarah Jessica Parker. Sex and the City.” A silence fell over the room as Collin and Jack stared at Wilkins, seriously fearing for the fate of men. ↗

— Julie James

#fbi #funny #humor #julie-james #men

A woman never reveals her national origins. Once people know that, none of her information is personal. Soon they'll want to know her religion, her marital status, and her real hair color. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #mysterious #women #funny