#funny

Jared told her he used to be an exotic dancer in San Francisco.' 'My body is a gift from God,' Jared said gravely. 'Except for my hips, which are clearly a gift from the devil. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#humor #funny

I flipped the good doctor the bird. Snorting, Gideon caught my hand and pulled me back down the hall. "What is it with you and giving people the finger?" "What? It's a classic. ↗

— Sylvia Day

#funny #gideon-cross #humor #funny

Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces. ↗

— Amy Poehler

#diapers #doubt #drive #faces #feet

Pleased to meet you." Sage said, offering his hand. "The pleasure is all mine," Rayna Purred. "Unless ofcourse, it's all Clea's which is even better." Sage smiled and might have even blushed a bit, which was highly entertaining. ↗

— Hilary Duff

#funny #rayna #sage #sweet #funny

Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor #sore-loser #funny

I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #customer #dining #food #funny

Sophie, honey, stop looking at me like that,” Garrett said gruffly. “You’ll have me convinced I’m going to die.” “You’re not? ↗

— Maya Banks

#humour #romance #romantic-suspense #funny

I can do comedy, so people want me to do that, but the other side of comedy is depression. Deep, deep depression is the flip side of comedy. Casting agents don't realize it but in order to be funny you have to have that other side. ↗

— Parker Posey

#casting #comedy #deep #depression #flip

Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #laziness #lazy #life #sleep

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. ↗

— Paula Poundstone

#account #bank #bank account #because #i