#hum

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance? ↗

— Phyllis Diller

#humor #humor

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

Yes!" Narissus unslung his bow and grabbed an arrow from his dusty quiver. "The first one who get that bronze, I will like you almost as much as I like me. I might even kiss you, right after I kiss my reflection!" "Oh my gods!" the nymphs squealed. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#bronze #echo #hazel-levesque #humor #leo-valdez

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up. ↗

— Phyllis Diller

#parenting #humor

An Assassin, a real Assassin had to look like one-black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door? ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

When I caught up, I grabbed Jack’s arm. “What are you doing here?” “Hiding! That’s how you play the game, right? I thought the title hide-and-seek was fairly self-explanatory. Then again, you are blond.” “So are you, idiot. Again, what are you doing here? ↗

— Kiersten White

#humor

I can't forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen," I said. "I'm a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become a madman and have panic attacks. I have to talk. ↗

— E. Lockhart

#girls #humor #humorous #humour #humor

I'm not holding you against your will; I'm holding you against your car. ↗

— Linda Howard

#humor

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me. ↗

— David Sedaris

#technology #typewriters #humor

I like talking to a brick wall- it's the only thing in the world that never contradicts me! ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#obdurate #humor