#hum

There's a fine line between funny and annoying – and it's exactly the width of a quotation mark. ↗

— Martha Brockenbrough

#grammar #grammar-humor #quotation-marks #funny

I was once honest with myself, on April Fool's day. I thought it would be the best practical joke ever, but I realized I'd already been the butt of an even bigger one. My birth. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #honesty #humor #practical-jokes #funny

Now all I have to worry about is what might crawl out of the darkness to get me in the night.” “Yeah, well, I think there’s a box of doughnuts under the chair. You can toss those to distract it. ↗

— Elle Parker

#funny-humor #seth #funny

Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cat #cats #clean #floor #funny

Is he about to kiss me? Did he eat garlic too or was I the only one? 'Cause if Ric didn't eat garlic then my breath's gonna stink and he'll think... Oh for fuck sake, shut up internal dialogue! ↗

— Zathyn Priest

#humor #funny

A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it can lift my heavy, elephantine penis off the floor. But before I turn the machine on, I’m going to ask you to stand at least ten feet back, because I wouldn’t want to accidentally impregnate you. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #strange

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #humorous #funny

I heard that knowing a musical instrument is a great way for a guy to improve his love life, so I picked up a flute the other day and things are looking good. I blew a few kisses at it, and it made some girlish noises. If it’s cheap enough, I’m renting it out tonight. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #love #music #funny

I love the world, just, you know...not the people in it. ↗

— Hannah Vandegrift

#humor #people #world #funny

These golf people seem unnaturally obsessed. They dress kind of funny too, and it's become a running joke for Gretchen and I to e-mail the most ridiculous golfing pictures back and forth to each other. Sometimes she adds hysterical captions. She never puts them on PitchBitch, though. We can't threaten the gravy train. ↗

— Shawn Klomparens

#golf #humor #funny