#hum

Look, Laszlo. I'll have the dentist with me, and I don't want to alarm her any more than necessary. So take Vanna out of the backseat and stick her in the trunk." Shanna halted. Her mouth dropped open. Her throat seized up, making it hard to breathe. I don't care how much crap you have in the trunk. We're not driving around with a naked body in the car." Oh no! She gasped for air. He was a hit man. ↗

— Kerrelyn Sparks

#irony #humor

The lustful glances thrown his way made me wish he wasn’t such a damned bowl of eye candy." - Cat re: Bones ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat #humor #humor

Shee, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#humor

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly. ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor #revenge #humor

I'm not a psychopath, I'm a fully functioning sociopath. Do your research. ↗

— Arthur Conan Doyle

#sherlock-holmes #watson #humor

I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying. I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still don't know quite what I've done. I've tried to tell you what I did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I'm sorry. ↗

— John Lennon

#beatles #humor #humour #jesus #religion

Don't leave it all unsaid, somewhere in the wasteland of your head. ↗

— Morrissey

#life #lyrics #music #humor

Are you going to tell me what that was about?” Adam asked as we went back upstairs. “Sometime,” I told him. “When we're telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#bone-crossed #humor #humor

Riza: Without his Alchemy he's just... Jean: A little brat who swears a lot Maes: An arrogant pipsqueak Roy: Useless. Just useless Alphonse: Sorry big brother, I don't know how to add to that... Ed *starts to cry*: YOU'RE ALL PICKING ON ME!!! ↗

— Hiromu Arakawa

#alchemist #fiction #fullmetal #humor #science

Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I do. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a Fuck. ↗

— David Wong

#humor #science #stars #universe #humor