#hum

Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you..." "Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. ↗

— Jerry Seinfeld

#humor #music #radio #shower #humor

It is always cruel to laugh at people, of course, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#humor

Four flips the gun in this hand, presses the barrel to Peter's forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth. "Wake. Up," Four snaps. "You are holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it. ↗

— Veronica Roth

#humor

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #joke #prank #humor

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#fatal #humor #isabelle-lightwood #pasta #humor

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it. ↗

— David Sedaris

#perception #retardation #humor

No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?" "What?" "Oh, you'd like something simpler? ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #interrogation #police #humor

I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me. ↗

— Lady Gaga

#fame #grammy #humor #lady-gaga #music

They turned to Angel. "We will call you Little One," the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing. "Okay," said Angel agreeably. "I'll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat." He frowned. "That can be his Indian name," I suggested. ↗

— James Patterson

#humor #maximum-ride #humor