#hum

He is quiet for a minute, then turns his head to look at me. "Where were you when I was twelve?" "Well, I was nine." I cut my eyes over to him. "And probably locked in the back of a Ho-Ho truck, eating my way to freedom. Yeah, that really happened. ↗

— Nicole Christie

#freedom

I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big." His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things." "What?" The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#humor #humorous #humour #funny

...there is a celebrated aphorism insisting that the best way to live is to 'work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, and love like you've never been hurt.'...After years of hearing and reading these lines I have decided to tell the truth: the original version is wrong. There is a grave error in the wording of this adage. The correct version should go as follows: Love like you don't need the money, Work like nobody is watching, Dance like you've never been hurt. See? Doesn't that make more sense? ↗

— Gina Barreca

#gina-barreca #humor #women #humor

She had what I'd call a lemming ass - that is, an ass that you would follow right over the edge of the cliff. ↗

— Andrew Davidson

#not-romantic #humor

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now. ↗

— Craig Ferguson

#humor #music #humor

In America, fundamentalist Christians believe the world was created 6,000 years ago - in England people drink in bars that are older than that. ↗

— Steve Aylett

#humor

My girlfriend is a party girl angel who can kick some arse and cook. ↗

— Wendy Higgins

#humor #kaidan #love #humor

It's no good choosing your first husband from a school for evil geniuses. Much too difficult to kill. ↗

— Gail Carriger

#humor #marriage #humor

I'm taking a quick shower. I'm gross. I need to be clean." "You shouldn't be doing that." The door handle jingled. It wasn't locked. "Alex!" "I'm naked," I warned. Silence and then, "Is that supposed to make me not want to come in there? ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#alex #deity #humor #humor

The two things that matter the most to me: emotional resonance and rocket launchers. Party of Five, a brilliant show--and often made me cry uncontrollably--suffered ultimately from a lack of rocket launchers. ↗

— Joss Whedon

#commentary #humor #humor