#humor

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition. ↗

— Woody Allen

#atheism #humor #humor

Trains are great dirty smoky things," said Will. "You won't like it." Tessa was unmoved. "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?" "I've never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn't like it." "But think how entertaining for sightseers," said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor #jem-carstairs #teasing #tessa-gray #will-herondale

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#science #humor

Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you..." "Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. ↗

— Jerry Seinfeld

#humor #music #radio #shower #humor

It is always cruel to laugh at people, of course, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#humor

Four flips the gun in this hand, presses the barrel to Peter's forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth. "Wake. Up," Four snaps. "You are holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it. ↗

— Veronica Roth

#humor

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #joke #prank #humor

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#fatal #humor #isabelle-lightwood #pasta #humor

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it. ↗

— David Sedaris

#perception #retardation #humor