#humor

Don't be ridiculous, man," said Ridcully, "there's no such thing as dwarf smuggling." "Yeah? Then what's that you've got there?" "I'm a giant," said Casanunda. "Giants are a lot bigger." "I've been ill. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

Dear Bill (O'Reilly)...I am concerned that you have been losing touch with reality recently. Did you really say you are more powerful than any politician? That reminds me of the famous story about Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: Raise the bridge! I have an erection! ↗

— Roger Ebert

#politics #humor

GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#politics #socialism #humor

I help others because I can, not because I expect something in return. ↗

— Amy Manemann

#mystery-suspense #relationships #humor

Was it a test?" she asked. "I mean,I know I'm still knew at this,I'm still a rookie. Did you hang back to test me, to see if I'd handle it alone?" "Well, kind off"he said. "Actually,no,nothing like that. My shoelace was untied.That's why I was late" "I could have been killed because you were tying youe shoelace?!" "An untied shoelace can be dangerous" Skulduggery said. "I could have tripped" She stared at him. A moment dragged by. "I'm joking" he said at last. She relaxed "Really?" "Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful. ↗

— Derek Landy

#humor

I closed my eyes, bowed my head and thought, AH, HELL . . . ↗

— P.C. Cast

#humor

[I] don't think I was trying to kill myself. I just wanted to hurt, and understand exactly whay I was hurting. This made sense: you cut, you felt pain, period. ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#humor #life #humor

Bonzo, he pre-cise. He so careful, he piss on a plate and never splash. ↗

— Orson Scott Card

#humor

Perfect sanity is a myth propagated by straitjacket salesmen. ↗

— Rebecca McKinsey

#humor #insanity #myth #sanity #humor

Sorry,ʺ she said, her face shining with joy when she saw me. ʺShould have put a sock on the door. Didnʹt realize things were getting hot and heavy.ʺ ʺNo avoiding it,ʺ I said lightly, clasping Dimitriʹs hand. ʺThings are always hot with him around.ʺ Dimitri looked scandalized. Heʹd never held back when we were in bed together, but his private nature wouldnʹt let him even hint about such matters to others. It was mean, but I laughed and kissed his cheek. ʺOh, this is going to be fun,ʺ I said. ʺNow that everythingʹs out in the open.ʺ ʺYeah,ʺ he said. ʺI got a pretty ‘funʹ look from your father the other day. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#romance #humor