#humor

Not only had he lost the only girl he'd ever loved, he'd lost her in duplicate, like some heartbroken but highly efficient civil servant. ↗

— Tom Holt

#humor

Wendy warmed my heart, earned my trust, touched my soul, and then touched me in a lot of other places. And right after we'd slept together for the very first time she looked up at me with her chocolate-brown, trustworthy doe eyes and said, "I've got herpes. I thought you should know. ↗

— Caprice Crane

#humor

On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great. ↗

— Eugene Mirman

#humor

My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves. ↗

— David Sedaris

#teaching #humor

I would have understood if they had of killed him~~MaryL Daughter of Darkness ↗

— L.J. Smith

#night-world #humor

We need to get you to stop thinking of me as a friend, and start thinking of me as that incredibly hot mechanic you’re sleeping with.” “You are a friend, why do we need to do that?” “Because you’re stiff as a board and not in the way I want you to be. ↗

— Elle Parker

#humor #humor

I felt very close to God.... My friends say that's because I was always on my knees. ↗

— Armistead Maupin

#gay #humor #innuendo #humor

if you make waffles, throw out the first one. ↗

— George Lopez

#humor

Vane passed the mashed potatoes across Bride to Fury, who stared at them with a fierce frown "What are these?" he asked. "Potatoes," Vane told him. "What did they do to them? ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#humor

I have sex," Grace shrugged. I meant with a man," Claudia said dryly. Now why would I ruin something so good by inviting a man along?" Grace asked. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#sex #humor