#humor

On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great. ↗

— Eugene Mirman

#humor

My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves. ↗

— David Sedaris

#teaching #humor

I would have understood if they had of killed him~~MaryL Daughter of Darkness ↗

— L.J. Smith

#night-world #humor

We need to get you to stop thinking of me as a friend, and start thinking of me as that incredibly hot mechanic you’re sleeping with.” “You are a friend, why do we need to do that?” “Because you’re stiff as a board and not in the way I want you to be. ↗

— Elle Parker

#humor #humor

I felt very close to God.... My friends say that's because I was always on my knees. ↗

— Armistead Maupin

#gay #humor #innuendo #humor

if you make waffles, throw out the first one. ↗

— George Lopez

#humor

Vane passed the mashed potatoes across Bride to Fury, who stared at them with a fierce frown "What are these?" he asked. "Potatoes," Vane told him. "What did they do to them? ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#humor

The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass. If the case be otherwise, I beg his pardon and extend to him the cordial hand of fellowship and call him brother. I shall always delight to meet an ass after my own heart when I have finished my travels. ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor #travel #humor

I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg. I felt dirty and stupid. ↗

— Graham Parke

#humor #literature #humor

The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker. ↗

— Graham Parke

#humor #philosophy #humor