#humor

She didn't know what Liam made his coffee with, but it had to be magical sparkles and crack beans, because it was the most delicious stuff she'd ever tasted. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#humor #humor

If I keep sampling the goods like this my ass is going to grow another cheek to make room for all the fat. ↗

— Tara Sivec

#humor

How about a rain check?' She smiles, but I know it's not real because it doesn't crinkle her eyes. 'Sure. Some other time.' I nod and grab my car keys. Before I flip the light on in the grage, she's behind me, tugging on my backpack. 'You want to go to school? Fine. But you're not driving. Give me the key.' 'I'm okay, Mom, really. I'll see you tonight.' I plant a quick kiss on her cheek and turn to the door again. 'That's nice. Give it to me.' She holds out her hand. I clench the key in my fist. 'You practically shoved that car down my throat Monday, and now youre taking the key. What did I do?' 'What did you do? Well, for starters, you used your face to stop a cafeteria door from swinging open. ↗

— Anna Banks

#funny #humor #of-poseidon #funny

The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay. ↗

— Chris Kyle

#american #bush #caffeine #coffee #humor

If I could make it better I would,” he says. In some ways it’s a stupid, obvious thing to say, but the way he said it, so honest and simple like it’s the truest thing there is, makes the tears prick in my eyes. (Before I Fall) ↗

— Lauren Oliver

#love #truth #humor

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#sexism #humor

Well, if the excitement's over, I think I'll take a bath.' 'Wow. The harsh lifestyle of a succubus. I wish I had your job.' 'Hey, our side's always recruiting. You might need to be a little prettier to be an incubus, though. And a little more charming.' 'Untrue. Mortal women go for jerks. I see it all the time.' 'Touché. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#chp #humor

Atticus "What's this religion going to be called?" Oberon "Poochism" A:"and the name of this holy writ I will be typing for you?" O:"The dead flea scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy. ↗

— Kevin Hearne

#great-filk #humor

You know, I just had a thought," he drawled. "Is that a new occurence for you? Is your brain tingling?" Cash and Jen ↗

— Elle Kennedy

#humor

He and I have this... personality conflict. Namely, I think he should get a new one. ↗

— Scott Westerfeld

#humor