#humor

The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#books #content #create #enjoyment #family

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size," and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#family-size #funny #humor #risiculous #shower

My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#father #funny #humor #sacrifice #wise

Karl Marx: "Religion is the opiate of the masses." Carrie Fisher: "I did masses of opiates religiously. ↗

— Carrie Fisher

#addiction #alcoholism #celebrities #dysfunctional-families #fiction

I was stark raving mad, and my family was too polite to mention it. That's what living with the Yamanis does to people. They get so well-mannered they won't mention you're crazy. ↗

— Tamora Pierce

#family

Hermes gazed up at the stars. "My dear young cousin, if there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it. It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the Internet-" "You invented the Internet?" It was my idea, Martha said. Rats are delicious, George said. "It was my idea!" Hermes said. "I mean the Internet, not the rats. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#george #hermes #humor #internet #martha

A brick could be divided into four equal pieces and split among three friends. I’ll take the two largest pieces, or half, whichever makes me appear the most generous.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #sharing

You would never do anything like that, would you?" my wife asked him. "You would never hurt animals." Our son shook his head, looking offended by the question. He might have been lying, but my knowledge of his belief system, composed of equal parts off-kilter Far Side animal-centrism and a dark Captain Nemoesque contempt for humanity, inclined me to think he was telling the truth. Gigantic fish pulling the limbs from cruel little boys, that might be something you could get him to sign on for. ↗

— Michael Chabon

#humor #equality

The last time I was this confused I was watching a Fassbinder film. ↗

— Ken O'Neill

#humor #humorous-book #marriage #marriage-equality #equality

I am Valentino Rossi. If I stay in MotoGP it is to try to win. When that is not possible it is time to stay at home and work in the garden! ↗

— Valentino Rossi

#inspirational #home