#humor

It's a long ride home with nothing but me for company. I bore myself sometimes. Not often. Just now and again. ↗

One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is a horrible invention. What's the plan? You want to create a toilet seat so comfortable that you can fall asleep while you're taking a shit? You're going to show up late for work or end up like Elvis. ↗

— Adam Carolla

#home

It's sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the best place for them. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones) ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#humor

Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink. ↗

— Charles Bukowski

#making-do #humor

The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. ↗