#humor

A woman only drools on a man when she can't swallow his pride. It would be sacrificing her integrity to drool on the furniture. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #furniture #humor #integrity #men-and-women

Aping the lower class will only lead to fatherless children, unusable muscles, and the fear of tomorrow’s sobriety. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #lower-class #poor #working-class

The only purpose in making an appointment is to prolong the anticipation of one's presence. That’s why when I make dinner reservations, I hardly ever show up. It ensures the waiters are doing their job properly. ↗

— Bauvard

#dinner #funny #humor #reservations #servers

When he picked out the [gravesite] plot, my father had joked that he was moving, at last, to the suburbs. ↗

— Marco Roth

#family #family

She headed for a wide flat rock on the creek's bank, her posture still demanding 'no trespassing' but no longer 'trespassers will be shot. ↗

— Kristen Heitzmann

#humor #trespassing #family

Darcy’s hand suddenly rammed angrily into a bowl of fruit and grasped an innocent, unsuspecting orange. “Enough. The woman is demented. Our marriage is simply something to which she must become adjusted. She insulted Elizabeth and her family, and in so doing, she insulted me.” With an expression as black as pitch, Darcy commenced to vivisecting the orange. By the time he finished with said orange, it was completely dead, thoroughly dead, with no semblance remaining of its prior orange existence. ↗

— Karen V. Wasylowski

#family

Heifer.” “Rich man’s whore!” “At least mine can cook the food he eats. And replaces it, too.” “Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean! ↗

— Shelly Laurenston

#humor #mitch #ric #sissy #food

I never knew my father. I saw him at a party once, but he never walked over and introduced himself to me.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#father #funny #humor #introduce #introduction

It’s often said when a baby is born so is a grandparent; well, for me it turned out that when I was born it was also the birth of a Ding Dong. ↗

— Lisa A. Tortorello

#grandparents #humor #inspirational #love #family

If the self-help books worked, it would be a shrinking industry not a growing one. ↗

— Steve Maraboli

#humor #life #self-help #humor