#humor

Hey, Pedro, could you get your shopping cart out of my faculty parking space? Yes, I know you live on the street. But you know how hard it is to find a parking spot on the Upper West Side. After all, you used to be one of my best students! So how's that Columbia degree working out for you? Not so good, huh? Sorry about that. Really! But you know, a college degree isn't like some cheap used car. There's no warantee. Right, there's no Lemon Law either. Buyer beware! Look, Pedro, I don't want to call security again. Yes, I know they're your cousins. What's that? You'll wash my car for a dollar? Well, I guess that's a good deal. Where's your sponge bucket? What's that? You've got a hose? What do you mean, it's tucked in your pants? Hey Pedro -- no, no, no don't -- aw, Pedro! ↗

— Eric Foner

#humor #humor

They hammered on the outer gate and called, but there was at first no answer; and then to their surprise someone blew a horn, and the lights in the windows went out. A voice shouted in the dark: 'Who's that? Be off! You can't come in. Can't you read the notice: No admittance between sundown and sunrise?' 'Of course we can't read the notice in the dark,' Sam shouted back. 'And if hobbits of the Shire are to be kept out in the wet on a night like this, I'll tear down your notice when I find it. ↗

— J.R.R. Tolkien

#humor #humor

Do we have to have the 'don't lie to the telepath' talk again? It won't take long. I say 'don't lie to the telepath, it never works,' you glare at me, and then you go find something you can hit. ↗

— Seanan McGuire

#telepath #humor

I leaned against Brent, resting my forehead against his cheek, but jerked back. "Brent you're hot." Brent grinned lazily and puffed up his chest. "Thank you. It's a burden I must bear. ↗

— Lani Woodland

#humor #humor

In those moments it's hard to remember that an angry voice is an invisible thing incapable of drawing blood. ↗

— Amanda Howells

#intriguing #odd #truth #humor

I can count all the lovers I've had on one hand...if I'm holding a calculator. ↗

— Sebastian Horsley

#humor #lovers #sebastian-horsley #sex #humor

That mush plays havoc downstairs, you know? ↗

— Alexander Gordon Smith

#humor

We must find the dam snackbar ↗

— Zoe Nightshade Rick Riordan

#humor

If I were a serial killer, I would not be the kind that stabs and then eats the victim. I would be the kind that hides in a tree and shoots at the aerobics class. ↗

— Augusten Burroughs

#humor

Jane: Focus is important. V: Only if you're a microscope. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor