#humor

The Fundamentalist Christians have told me that I am a slave of Satan and should have my demons expelled with an exorcism. The Fundamentalist Materialists inform me that I am a liar, charlatan, fraud and scoundrel. Aside from this minor difference, the letters are astoundingly similar. Both groups share the same crusading zeal and the same lack of humor, charity and common human decency. These intolerable cults have served to confirm me in my agnosticism by presenting further evidence to support my contention that when dogma enters the brain, all intellectual activity ceases. ↗

— Robert Anton Wilson

#christianity #humor #humor

I looked down at the brochure nearest me."We're going to Nigeria," I threatened. "I hope you like elephant polo." -Liberty Jones ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#humor #liberty #sugar-daddy #humor

As a confirmed melancholic, I can testify that the best and maybe only antidote for melancholia is action. However, like most melancholics, I suffer also from sloth. ↗

— Edward Abbey

#cures #depression #depression-humor #modern-life #humor

Biting enemies seems to be acceptable in a surprisingly narrow range of circumstances, or so a ninja shouted at me once ↗

— Steve Aylett

#humor

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live... ↗

— David Sedaris

#funny #humor #joke #funny

Mrs. Palmer is a teacher so naturally I assumed she would never do anything good for me. ↗

— Jim Benton

#diary #dumb #humor #teacher #humor

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me. ↗

— Eugene Mirman

#humor

Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo--though those people may also have real problems. ↗

— Eugene Mirman

#humor #humor

No one else understands us 7th sense people. They regard us as freaks. When we point out illiterate mistakes, we are often aggressively instructed to 'get a life' by people who, interestingly, display no evidence of having lives themselves. ↗

— Lynne Truss

#humor

Better than a sharp stick in the eye. ↗

— James Williams

#life #humor