#humor

Hey, uh, you know. Um. If you’re alive, uh, call me." I looked at the screen and said, "It's Jane." I closed the phone, thinking, Lame. I am so lame. ↗

— Faith Hunter

#humor #worrying #death

You are old and grey,” she teased. “And you’re never too immortal for a spanking,” he shot back... ↗

— Dianna Hardy

#humor #humour #immortal #mary-and-gwain #sexy

Immortality like this is about as useful as sunscreen on a submarine. ↗

— Elizabeth Marx

#humor #immortality #reincarnation #death

There are no nudists in cold areas. ↗

— Tsugumi Ohba

#humor #tsugumi-ohba #death

I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is as dangerous as my drinking habits.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#coil #danger #dangerous #drink #drinking

She looked genuinely confused. “I…I don’t know. He just seems so sweet and out of place. I guess I feel sorry for him. Kinda like a lost puppy.” “Great, well, can you just take him home with you then? I’m allergic. ↗

— Christy Trujillo

#humor #true-north #home

A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Hap sighed. If he could change one thing about Umber-besides his constant need for the thrill of exploration-it would be his obsession with secrets and surprises. ↗

— P.W. Catanese

#humor #change

Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #ketchup #leftovers #life

My rapier wit hides my inner pain. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#jace-wayland #the-mortal-instruments #tmi #humor