#humor

Exercise is for people who can't handle drugs or alcohol. ↗

— Lily Tomlin

#humor

I swear, Oliver, when did you become such a stick-in-the-mud?” “I’ve always been a stick-in-the-mud.” Her brother cast her a thin smile. “I just hid it beneath all the debauchery.” She sniffed. “I wish you’d hide it again. It’s quite annoying. ↗

— Sabrina Jeffries

#siblings #humor

In less than a year, the Bush administration will strut out of office, leaving the country in roughly the same condition a toddler leaves a diaper. ↗

— Graydon Carter

#politics #wit #humor

Nothing like an arcane literary debate with your tyrannical master while you pass the time leading to your execution. ↗

— Elizabeth Wein

#humor

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#humor

ما اسهل اقناع الحبيب لحبيبته. خاصة في مرحلة ما قبل الزواج...قبل اجراء عملية المياه البيضاء لمراة الحب العمياء ↗

— احمد مراد

#humor

So, your not worried because your going to sit at a table full of emos, rather your afraid that they won't approve of you? ↗

— Miranda J. D.

#humor #humor

If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car, (about the BMW X3). ↗

— Jeremy Clarkson

#humor #humor

A brick could be used as a laxative. You know, “Shit a brick.”
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

If you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #humor