#humor

I'd do the lifting, but I just got a manicure. And I notice you don't have a manicure at all. Only thing noticeable about your hands is the missing tan on your ring finger that I don't care about. -Lula ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor

Presque tous les hommes meurent de leurs remèdes, et non pas de leurs maladies. ↗

— Molière

#illness #medicine #remedies #humor

I’m writing my next book under a pseudonym. It will be Mark Twain’s best young adult romance. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #writing #funny

I want to know what it’s like to feel affection, compassion, kindness. I want to touch a wimp. But just a light brush against the clothes. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #sympathy #funny

I've lived a full life. I never once went hungry. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #hunger #life #funny

Well," he said, "I think we've found our way in. We just wait until they're duking it out, but trust me, these Humans First types don't have a lot of staying power or they'd have been at the gym with me before. I doubt Grandma Kent there is going to do a lot of damage." He pointed at a gray-haired, hunched lady in a shawl, carrying what looked liked a gardening tool. "It's like Plants Versus Zombies, and I'm not rooting for the zombies, weirdly enough. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#human #humor #plants #shane #zombie

There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up. ↗

— Kristen Chandler

#morning #funny

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. "I gave you catharsis last night. Twice. ↗

— T.J. Klune

#catharsis #funny #humor #funny

Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #hyperinflation #funny

So I got a new job, and I start tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, and bummed out I’m going to be working. ↗