#humor

A brick is to a blanket, as the moon is to Sun Tzu. Fear my fearlessness!
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #strange

He wasn't aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn't smile he didn't look amiable ↗

— Emma Goldrick

#funny #goldrick #harlequin-special-edition #hero #humor

Mira, I'm about to be naked," Blue said as he whipped off his belt and tossed it on the floor. "So watch out. Well, in my underwear." "I've seen you in your bathing suit," Mira said. "It's the same thing." "It is not the same thing," Blue said. "When it's accompanied by seventies porn music, it's an X-rated strip show." Blue yanked off his shirt. "Freddie, you're kind of slow on the uptake. Eine kleine porn music, please. ↗

— Sarah Cross

#funny #humor #funny

I never realized I was so notorious. Infamous, disreputable, villainous, yes, but not notorious. ↗

— Bauvard

#evil #funny #humor #infamous #notorious

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee. ↗

— Weston Locher

#comedy #essay #funny #humor #funny

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #naughty #funny

Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#drought #funny #humor #funny

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fashion #funny #humor #funny

I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d be just as easy for my clone to pretend to be me as it is for me to pretend to be me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #identity-theft #funny

I'm all skin and whalebone. I like to strut around the house in nothing but a corset. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny