#humor

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

My ears are too beeg for my head. My head ees too beeg for my body. I am not a Siamese cat ... I AM A CHIHUAHUA!" -- Skippyjon Jones (In his very best Spanish accent) ↗

— Judy Schachner

#childrens-book #humor #siamese-cat #spanish #humor

I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like? ↗

— Jean Cocteau

#humor

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ↗

— Ogden Nash

#youth #humor

Another night then,' Mom said. 'Maybe on the weekend we can have a barbecue and invite your sister.' 'Or,' I said turning to Rafe, 'if you want to skip the whole awkward meet-the-family social event you could just submit your life story including your view on politics religion and every social issue imaginable along with anything else you think they might need to conduct a thorough background check.' Mom sighed. 'I really don't know why we even bother trying to be subtle around you.' 'Neither do I. It's not like he isn't going to realize he's being vetted as daughter-dating material.' Rafe grinned. 'So we are dating.' 'No. You have to pass the parental exam first. It'll take you awhile to compile the data. They'd like it in triplicate.' I turned to my parents. 'We have Kenjii. We have my cell phone. Since we aren't yet officially dating I'm sure you'll agree that's all the protection we need.' Dad choked on his coffee. ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#kelley-armstrong #the-gathering #dating

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humor #family

I’m nobody’s sidekick,” Annabeth growled. “And, Percy, his accent sounds familiar because he sounds like his mother. We killed her in New Jersey.” Percy frowned. “I’m pretty sure that accent isn’t New Jersey. Who’s his—? Oh.” It all fell into place. Aunty Em’s Garden Gnome Emporium—the lair of Medusa. She’d talked with that same accent, at least until Percy had cut off her head. “Medusa is your mom?” he asked. “Dude, that sucks for you. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#annabeth-chase #family #humor #medusa #new-jersey

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children. ↗

— Clarence Darrow

#family #humor #parents #family

Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.) ↗

— Ally Carter

#family

WE do try to eat," Raoul called back to her [Kel]. I go all faint if I don't get fed regularly. Only think of the disgrace to the King's Own if I fell from the saddle." "But there was that time in Fanwood," a voice behind them said. "That wedding in Tameran," added the blonde Sergeant Osbern, riding a horse-length behind Kel. "Don't forget when what's-his-name, with the army, retired," yelled a third. "Silence, insubordinate curs!" cried Raoul. "Do not sully my new squire's ears with your profane tales!" "Even if they're TRUE?" That was Dom. It seemed Neal wasn't the only family member versed in irony. ↗

— Tamora Pierce

#family