#humor

[Harriet] hated math. She hated math with every bone in her body. She spent so much time hating it that she never had time to do it. ↗

— Louise Fitzhugh

#humor

We gotta keep you alive, Zoey. Not just casue we love you more than white bread, but cause you have to save the world. ↗

— P.C.Cast

#humor

Any time I’m not shooting my mouth off to a clichéd, two-bit creature of the night like you, it’s because I’m up to something. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #humor

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course. ↗

— Hank Aaron

#golf #humor #sports #humor

I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end. ↗

— Jeff Kinney

#humor #humor

I don't want unnecessary violence, sergeant," said Blouse. "Right you are, sir!" said the sergeant. "Carborundum! First man comes through that door runnin', I want him nailed to the wall!" He caught the lieutenant's eye, and added: "But not too hard! ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#military #violence #humor

It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake. ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#humor #humor

Then he reached up and tore my shirtfront open. "Not much to see, is there?" I said, struggling to talk with a crushed windpipe. "I know, I know, they can fix things like that these days. Call me a feminist, but I think a woman's worth should be defined not by the size of her bust, but - " I rammed my fist up into his Adam's apple. He grunted and stumbled back. "- by the strength of her right hook. ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#humor

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you? ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#humor

What happened to your face?' he asked. 'When I was little, my grandmother was making candles and she had a big vat of hot beeswax in the backyard,' she said. 'I walked into the vat.' Usually that ended the conversation. 'I don't remember it,' she added. 'How old were you?' he asked. She tilted her face slightly, watching him. 'Ten months.' 'You were walking at ten months?' he asked. 'Not very well, apparently,' she said dryly. ↗

— Caragh M. O'Brien

#humor