#humor

If you buy an SUV, you're buying your safety at the expense of someone else's." ... If you're driving a Hyundai, which basically runs on air and tofu, and you get in an accident with an SUV, are you going to say, "Well, at least I have the courage of my convictions?" Hell, no. You're going to say: "Soon's I get outta this hospital bed and find my legs, I'm gonna get me a Suburban. Loaded. ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#courage

Bitches will take your ass down if you try to publish that. Peace out. ↗

— Libba Bray

#humor #pageant #beauty

Do you like flora and fauna? How about plants and animals? Because we have more of that beautiful crap than we know what to do with. Charmingly domesticated troops of monkeys swing freely throughout our orchid-laden property. You’re probably thinking that a lot of all-inclusive resorts have monkeys. True, but only one resort packs a monkey for each of their guests to take home. You’ll be showing off more than a tan to your friends, you’ll be showing off a gibbon. ↗

— Colin Nissan

#funny #humor #monkeys #resorts #beauty

Fackelmann claimed to have started a Log just to keep track of Kite's attempted pickup lines -- surefire lines like e.g. 'You're the second most beautiful woman I've ever seen, the first most beautiful woman I've ever seem being former Bristish Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher,' and 'If you came home with me I'm unusually confident that I could achieve an erection,' and said that if Kite wasn't still cherry at twenty-three and a half it was proof of some kind of divine-type grace. ↗

— David Foster Wallace

#humor #pickup-lines #beauty

Obsession with sanitation is a concern for sanitariums. A sane consumer makes decisions based on beauty alone, no matter how bad it smells. ↗

— Bauvard

#cleanliness #funny #humor #sanity #smelling

You walk a fine line between beautifully macabre and uncharacteristically psychotic. ↗

— Solange nicole

#insanity #life #macabre #beauty

Elves and Dragons! Cabbages and potatoes are better for me and you. Don't go getting mixed up in the business of your betters, or you'll land in trouble too big for you. ~Hamfast Gamgee (the Gaffer) ↗

— J.R.R. Tolkien

#business

If you're too serious to make life a laughing matter, then you seriously need to make laughter matter to you today and every day! ↗

— Jeannine M. Luby

#inspirational-attitude #wellness #attitude

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch ↗

— Keisha Keenleyside

#anger #funny #happy #humor #humour

I took everybody, including the dog, for a ride, and we went around the block four or five times, congratulating one another upon our new mobility. I discovered that my former casual attitude of timid acquiescence was not consistent with someone who could drive a car, so I fell gradually into a new personality, swashbuckling and brazen, with a cigarette usually hanging out of one corner of my mouth because I had to keep both hands on the wheel. ↗

— Shirley Jackson

#attitude