#humor

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither. ↗

— Steve Martin

#humor #sex #humor

My couch is my deathbed, and I won’t let my life get repossessed. ↗

— Bauvard

#death #funny #humor #life #repossession

After Harding's death, the taciturn vice president, Calvin Coolidge, moved into the White House. In contrast to his predecessor's political cronyism and outgoing style, Coolidge personified austere rectitude. As vice president "Silent Cal" often sat through official functions without uttering a word. A dinner partner once challenged him by saying, "Mr. Coolidge, I've made a rather sizable bet with my friends that I can get you to speak three words this evening." Responded Coolidge icily, "You lose. ↗

— James A. Henretta

#death

Good thing about hanging out with a pregnant woman: designated driver by default. ↗

— Amelia C. Gormley

#design

I’m tempted to kill the general first, then his staff officers. Sometimes you just want to eat pudding early. All the same, I make myself wait. ↗

— David Gunn

#death

Eve, did you marry me for my money?" "You bet your ass. And you'd better hold on to it, or I'm history" "It's very sweet of you to say so. ↗

— J.D. Robb

#humor #roarke #death

Sit up, and no whining." "I don't whine." "Rarely," he agreed. But when you do, you make up for the lack of quantity with quality. ↗

— J.D. Robb

#death

I knew I didn't have much of a chance of getting away from that swarm of fae piranha, but it was an infinitely larger chance than I would have if I stayed in the car and burned to death. Hell's bells, what I wouldn't give to have my shield bracelet. Or my old staff. I didn't even have an umbrella. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#weapons #death

- Senhor Uhtred! - O padre Willibald veio correndo na minha direção. - O que está acontecendo? O que está acontecendo? - Decidi começar uma guerra, padre - respondi cheio de animação. - É muito mais interessante que a paz. ↗

— Bernard Cornwell

#humor #death

A brick is what the aliens gave me to communicate with them. It’s easy to operate. Just go to a party, or any crowded location, place the brick on your head, and stand perfectly still until they open up lines of communication. If you talk to Egbok Wangor, tell him I want the twenty bucks he owes me—and I’ll even give you a twenty percent collector’s fee.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny