#humor

The society killed Kendra." ... Don't mention it to Verl. He might dive into a chasm. ↗

— Brandon Mull

#fablehaven #humor #kendra #love #mull

Never trust a man with a penis. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor-inspirational #humor

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. ↗

— Woody Allen

#humor

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times. ↗

— Mark Twain

#politics #humor

I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#humor

Never postpone until tomorrow what you can postpone until the day after. ↗

— Raoul Wallenberg

#procrastination #humor

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. ↗

— Phyllis Diller

#women #freedom

Give me some sugar. ↗

— Rachel Gibson

#romance #humor

In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. "Do I look dead to you? ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor