#humor

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero. ↗

— Scott Adams

#humor

I felt a strange fluttering sensation in my chest. Butterflies, cardiac arrest . . . it was hard to say what exactly. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#love #humor

I don't care what your nose says! The last time you smelled half-blood, it turned out to be a meatloaf sandwich!" "Meatloaf sandwiches are good! But this is a half-blood scent, I swear. They are on board!" "Bah, your brain isn't on board! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#telkine #humor

I shouldn't believe anything I say, if I were you-and that includes what I just told you. ↗

— Jasper Fforde

#truth #humor

I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave -- with all five fingers -- for their hospitality. ↗

— George W. Bush

#witty #humor

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets? ↗

— Bill Cosby

#humor

People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect. But actually - from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff. ↗

— Steven Moffat

#doctor-who #humor #inspirational #the-doctor #time-travel

Any cupcake consumed before 9AM is, technically, a muffin. ↗

— Brian P. Cleary

#observation #humor

STUDENTS OUT OF BED! STUDENTS OUT OF BED IN THE CHARMS CORRIDOR! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor