#humor

Female Mercenary. This will be a companion on your Tour. She is usually tall, thin and wiry, silent, and neurotic. Sex scares her. This is because she either came from a nunnery or was raped as a child. Or both. Somehow this inspired her to become a mercenary and she is very good at her job. You can rely on her absolutely in a fight. She can usually kill two people at once while guarding your back in between. The rest of the time, she will irritate you with lots of punctilious weapons cleaning and a perpetual insistence that a proper watch be kept. Mostly, she will have no magic talents, but sometimes, in an emergency, she will come up with a gift or vision. You will end up grudgingly admiring her. ↗

— Diana Wynne Jones

#fantasy #humor #humor

So does that mean we get Eric, too?" Willa said. "Because Eric is definitely hot, and if I had my choice I'd take Eric over some white-haired king merman any day. ↗

— Ridley Pearson

#love #love

I went to say no, but I winced as I pulled my tooth out of my lip. I was absolutely hopeless. In a two minute period my front curls had started to go straight due to my constant brushing them behind my ears and I was pretty sure my lip was bleeding. Frustrated I pushed myself off of the couch with a huff and walked around the glass coffee table to head for the kitchen. “I've made you angry.” “No.” Darren got up and cut me off in the middle of the room. “Yes, I did. You're angry with me.” “No, not with you.” “Then what's wrong?” “I'm angry with myself. ↗

— Kaitlin Scott

#fiction #humor #love #love

she was lying to him.” “But she is lying to him. You are lying to him aren't you?” Darren asked as he turned to me. “Of course!” “But the priest didn't know she was lying. Afterward, Moira had to chase Jacobi down to tell him the truth and then he hit her.” “He hit you?!” “Just in the arm. And even though it was supposed to be a hit it felt more like a love tap.” “You guys! Y'all are making me skip over the best part!” “Right, the part where Moira is doomed to burn in hell. I almost forgot. Go ahead,” Darren encouraged. ↗

— Kaitlin Scott

#gay #gay-and-lesbian #humor #love #love

She was foolish to think his attention rested on her. Who, knew, maybe he loved a good mullet and liked playing the back nine. It would be a damn shame, though. All the drool- worthy sensuality claimed by his own sex wouldn't be fair. ↗

— Eden Summers

#love

Leah" Olivia says quietly, "if you point at me again I'm going to break that manicured finger right off your hand. Now turn around and smile, your daughter is waking up. ↗

— Tarryn Fisher

#humorous #love

A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Good-looking people marry good-looking people and the others take what's left. ↗

— Alan Bennett

#marriage #marriage

Marriage is like super glue. It holds you together tight. Unfortunately- you're kinda stuck ↗

— Alina K.

#love #love

I just didn't car. I told you I don't like animals." She gave a snort, then settled back to silence. Cross another quality from her list. Earth Mother Sucked. ↗

— Jennifer Probst

#marriage