#humor

I pointed at Wireman's forehead. "This is your brain," I said. Then I pointed at my easel. "This is your brain on canvas. ↗

— Stephen King

#humor #art

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. ↗

— W. C. Fields

#day #every #every day #get #off

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. ↗

— Max Eastman

#instinct #pain #taking

Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#hot #humor #attitude

After the group vet appointment--during which Lyle scratched the vet, the vet tech, and some poor woman minding her own business in the waiting room--we went back to Sabrina's and re-released the cats to their natural habitat. ↗

— Sarah Dessen

#humor #business

The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried [phrase-making] to such a height of perfection and have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on an amusing and animated conversation without giving a moment’s reflection to what they are saying and so leave their minds free to consider the more important matters of big business and fornication. ↗

— W. Somerset Maugham

#authors #british #humor #business

She suspects her husband, Jake, might be gay." "Did you suggest she ask him?" Mom laughed. "Of course not. Business is slow. ↗

— Lisa Lutz

#business

I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man. ↗

— Bill Hicks

#humor #rivalry #school-rivalries #school-spirit #stratford

What wasdat, sir? What wazzat sir? What wassat, sir?” “Wayne, what are you babbling about?” Waxillium asked. “Practicing my pretzel guy,” Wayne said. “He had a great accent...” Waxillium glanced at him. "That hat looks ridiculous.” “Fortunately, I can change hats,” Wayne said in the pretzel-guy accent, “while you, sir, are stuck with that face. ↗

— Brandon Sanderson

#change

You can't drive them around in the getaway van.' 'How about we don't call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.' 'So what should we call it?' 'How about the van?' 'It doesn't change what it is and that it's a shitty thing to do. Someone might see them in it. ↗

— Cath Crowley

#sarcasm #change