#humor

I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #loser #truism #funny

I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dad #funny #hilarious #humor #kidnapping

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell. ↗

— Criss Jami

#funny-but-true #hell #humor #introversion #introvert

I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #planet #population #sexy

Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#drink #drinking #entrepreneur #entrepreneurship #funny

I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny-and-random #humor #sleep #funny

When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass! ↗

— Julie Halpern

#humor #funny

Jules stood up and stretched gracelessly. “Let’s hurry up and pay before she”-she indicated Claire with a flick of her thumb-“sees something shiny and we lose her again. ↗

— Kimberly Derting

#sarcasm #funny

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back. ↗

— Bauvard

#hair #humor #morale #morals #funny

CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#funny #humor #funny