#humour

I kind of have to go to the bathroom," Aria said woozily. Ezra smiled. "Can I come? ↗

— Sara Shepard

#lust #humour

Now wait a second..." Kenneth butted in. "Yeah, we haven't asked you the questions yet," Brandon finished for Kenneth. "Yeah, like what are your intentions toward our little Ryan," Patrick added, smirking. "What do you do for a living?" Brandon added. "Can you support Ryan's shoe fetish?" Kenneth threw his question in too. "Hmm, okay, here are my answers. I plan on feeding him, dancing with him and God willing fucking him until he can't walk straight. I help infertile chickens have baby chickens, and I think so. I'm hoping his feet are about my size. We can share shoes and everything," Phillip answered. ↗

— Crystal Rose

#humour #gay

Ladies, we are at a massive disadvantage in the workplace. Your male peers are flirting with their male bosses constantly. The average workplace is like f*cking Bromancing the Stone. That’s basically what male bonding is. Flirting. They’re flirting with each other playing golf, they’re flirting with each other going to the football, they’re flirting with each other chatting at the urinals – and, sadly, flirting with each other in after-hours visits to strip clubs and pubs. They are bonding with each other over their biological similarities. If the only way you can bond with them is over you biological differences, you go for it. Feel pressurised to actually f*ck them if you do? Then don’t flirt. Find it an easy way to just crack on? Then crack on – and don’t blame other women for doing it. ↗

— Caitlin Moran

#humour #biology

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever. ↗

— Karl Pilkington

#biology #humour #scientific-research #biology

By the way, only a real man can accept his feminine side." "I don't know who fed you that line of garbage, but I can promise she's laughing at you right now. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#seduction

Frokosten ligner svært en god engelsk frokost, bortsett fra kaffen som slett ikke ligner en engelske, men tvert imot er god. ↗

— Esau & John

#men

Three,' reckoned the captain, 'ourselves make seven, counting Hawkins, here. Now, about honest hands?' Most likely Trelawney's own men," said the doctor; 'those he had picked up for himself, before he lit on Silver.' Nay,' replied the squire. 'Hands was one of mine.' I did think I could have trusted Hands,' added the captain. ↗

— Robert Louis Stevenson

#humour #pirates #pun #wit #wordplay

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#humour #nature

But I don’t think I’ve ever known such a natural at Potions!” said Slughorn. “Instinctive, you know — like his mother! I’ve only ever taught a few with this kind of ability, I can tell you that, Sybill — why even Severus —” And to Harry’s horror, Slughorn threw out an arm and seemed to scoop Snape out of thin air toward them. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#potions #severus-snape #slughorn #nature

Joe Spork opens the door. The man departs. Joe turns to Polly to say something about how they’re obviously not going to Portsmouth, and finds an oyster knife balanced on his cheek, just under his eye. “Can we be very clear,” Polly Cradle murmurs, “that I am not your booby sidekick or your Bond girl? That I am an independent supervillain in my own right?” Joe swallows. “Yes, we can,” he says carefully. “There will therefore be no more ‘Say hello, Polly’?” “There will not. ↗

— Nick Harkaway

#relationships #supervillains #relationship